Super-Duper-Kate

Starving Person Visits All You Can Eat Buffet Part 3

kategotsis — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 03:48:43 +0000

He wasn’t the “ONE.”

The End.

A Hug.

kategotsis — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 03:38:14 +0000

It’s done. Another day spent shooting morphine into the veins of the pained. I’m home and I’m tired, but I’m wanting something. I want something. What is it? It’s not chocolate, pasta or pizza. It might be french fries. Is it french fries? They would pacify, but crispy deep fried potatoes are not what I crave, as my good friend Ken Black said to me once while I was gettin down with a bowl of hot and salty pomme frites, ” it’s food Kate, it’s not love.” Ken went to Stanford, he’s really smart.

What do babies really want when they are screaming and we pop a rubber nipple into their mouths to shut them up? I suppose the obvious answer is a boob. But the nipple works, it pacifies them. Keeps them quiet, maybe they fall asleep allowing their hosts a few moments of peace. What do I really want when I’m doing the grown up equivalent of screaming? What am I doing to settle the agitation? Blogging. I’m blogging, it’s sort of like screaming. Quietly. I’m blogging instead of drinking wine, or eating some form of carbon hydrated with oxygen molecules.

I have what Ken Wilber calls, “Skin Hunger.”

I want a hug.

Starving Person Visits All You Can Eat Buffet Part 2

kategotsis — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 21:35:08 +0000

I visit psychics sometimes. I like to get an unbiased perspective about what I’m creating in my life. My Mom was a professional psychic, so I don’t think this practice is odd or at all in league with the devil. I think this is a good way to have a clear mirror placed in front of me, so that I can get a better view of myself and what might be around the corner. Provided of course, you have a “good” psychic, and not some coke addicted projector queen sitting across from you telling you all about HER, while pretending it’s you. This has happened to me, she advised downers ( xanax, ativan,) as a way to get through nursing school, she cautioned I would burn out my adrenal glands if I didn’t take heed of her warnings. She had popped a few little pills into her mouth before sitting down to tell me this. Gypsy. My Mother had warned me about “gypsies”, false prophets, my gut knew I was experiencing just this. I left feeling much worse. I didn’t take her advice, and I’m now a nurse with adrenal glands intact.

Trust yourself when it comes to choosing your oracle, you’ll know if he/she is a clear mirror by the way you feel when they tell about your past, present, and future. Maybe you won’t, but this is a fun way to spend a Monday afternoon, bring a friend and listen in to her reading and let her listen to yours. It’s great fun to be able to say, “hey, remember what the psychic said?”, when something happens that resembles their predictions.

This is what happened when I told Selena about the message I received after I rejoined the online dating site . He had sent it just 7 hours before I came back and he was moving to the bay area the same time I was, and he was also going to the 6pm yoga class! Selena and I had gone to Vision Quest book store about a month before this, and had eaves dropped on one another’s readings. I had seen this psychic before and I liked her a lot, much of what she had told me during our last visit had come to pass. She was a reiki master, a Jewess, and she was beautiful and aging gracefully, something I really appreciate. My usual spirit directed queries are related to men and relationships ( yawn), but this time I was interested in guidance related to my career and what has become known as,” the great escape” . I was having some anxiety about moving and leaving the safety of home, I was seeking confirmation about what I already knew just below the surface of my restless mind, “GO!” I received the green light and, without even asking, an assurance that “on the heels of my move”, I would meet a man, a funny man, a man just getting out of “ a silly relationship”, a relationship where he lost some money, but would bounce back with no problem. She said, “we are talking soulmate stuff.” “ Do you want children?” she probed, “ you can have one if you want, he wants kids.”, “ I’m ambivalent.” I said, still soaking in the tingling sensation that moved up my spine and shot out the top of my head when she said asked me if I was in a relationship, to which I replied with a laugh, “ I’m in the opposite of that.”, she responded, “ you will be”, she said this with the authority of a great sage, and I felt an electricity in my body that said “yes, this is so.”

I spoke with him the next evening, after he friend-ed me on facebook, and said he “needed” my phone number. I liked his voice, deep and melodic. I can usually tell if I’ll be attracted to a man by the sound of his voice. He told me within the first three minutes of our conversation that he wasn’t actually “divorced”, as his profile stated, he was instead, “ almost divorced”, he had been separated for a year, and the divorce was to be final in a month. Wow, I thought, he’s so honest and up front. He even said he would wait until it was final to contact me if that was a problem. It wasn’t. I told him that his fib was was okay, because I wasn’t actually 34 like my profile stated, I was 38, to which he chirped, “I know, I saw that on facebook” Our conversation flowed, we laughed , I told him about Katie, he asked me if I wanted more children cause he wanted at least one. He was Jewish. We made plans to meet the next day. I went to sleep comforted by his arrival, HE was early.

My projections began before we even spoke. Psychic predictions aren’t set in stone, when she said I would meet him on “the heels” of my move perhaps it turns out it was on ”the toes”. Energies shift, nothing is static. I had enough information to begin building my castle full of projections. He was here, and I was so happy.

To be continued…

Starving Person Visits All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet! Part One

kategotsis — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 11:50:13 +0000

It had been over a year. Over a year since I had done the wild thing, even longer since I had done the wild thing in a way that satisfied me, in a way that was WILD. My resolution for 2010 is to LIVE NOW!! To hell with regrets, needing things to be “a certain way ” to enjoy life! This gets sticky when you marry this to dating. At least for me it does.

His arrival to my world felt auspicious. Batman had been hanging around my mind, and I was so distracted by the thought of his lips and other parts, that I jumped back into the world of online dating to distract myself from what I knew was probably the equivalent of a big ass slice of chocolate cake. The 2010 resolution was not thrown out the window, I just know Batman and I know how I feel after “chocolate cake”, full and kind of sick and regretful. I had been to this dating site before, just not in a long time, so when I paid my 60 bucks for three months, I was surprised and delighted to find my inbox full of emails! They keep your profile visible to attract potentials, and then send you emails telling you that you have interested suitors sending you winks and full messages, “rejoin now to see who’s interested”, I was ignorant to this because I had reserved this email address for online dating adventures. 60 dollars later, Viola! Instant man attention without leaving the safety of your home! The first message was sent just 7 hours before my rejoining! It’s subject read, ” you are the reason I finally paid” , from his photograph it was hard to say if he was a McSexy, just 1 photo of him with sunglasses, but the body of his message shoved me into some other dimension reserved for other-dimensional experiences. ” I will be returning to the Sonoma/SF area in April where I find myself most happy.” Really? ME TOO!!! I don’t remember the other emails.

So, when I say AUSPICIOUS… Did you you hear how this was sent just seven hours before I rejoined? AND, I hadn’t been thinking about rejoining, it just occured to me while obsessing about Batman at the dogpark an hour earlier….” I have been watching from the sidelines, not ready to join but your profile showed up in my Daily 5, and I finally paid just for you!” Okay, there is DEFINITELY something SPECIAL going on here, don’t you think? When I returned his email IMMEDIATELY after receiving it, ( there is no reason to waste time when the gods are conspiring!!!) He immediately responded back saying, ” I’m on my way to a 6pm yoga class”

OMG!!! ME TOO!!!!! And I was…..

To Be Continued……

Random Things I Remember

kategotsis — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 11:03:17 +0000

A basket full of woven slippers, “ I don’t know what to tell you”, a bar of soap as big as both of my hands, 2 little bottles of Dr. Scholls callous/corn remover bedside. Photographs of children seen from a distance. Photo of him with Max, the dog with the tumor caused by her anger, A firepit, a sky big and black sprinkled with stars, furniture less patio over looking an award winning golfcourse. A giant silk ranunculus arrangement the color of fire, a bubble bath I did not share, hair recession hidden by a baseball cap, but not by the streaming sunshine the morning after, a not too hairy back, melting cuddles in the morning, the curve billed thrashers January call, his scrambling to make sure I got every last item , “ you use all of these?”, 4 black elastic bands, an offer of an organic green apple for the road, jeans pulled on, the button fly undone, 3 tarot cards in a frame representing past present and future, The wheel of fortune, the future, laughter, kissing, inevitable sex that was inevitably unforgettable yet mediocre at best, riding boots, “those are my riding boots”, A gift of water and 2 rust colored tablets 30 seconds after my wish for these items, a foot rub and foot inspection by a stranger in a sushi bar, end of pigtail suddenly hard and full of soy sauce, eyebrows like commas, “ how are you so perky in the morning?”, white linens, an entire wardrobe strewn across the floor still on hangers, barstools, Bob Schneider, a little room to watch movies, fake plants, a fireplace, a book called Chocolate about art, a bookshelf full of many novels, coconut verbena lotion, a watercloset with a sliding door, a plasma tv in the bathroom, a plasma tv in the kitchen, a plasma tv in the bedroom, a hookah from Jen, cantaloupe tobacco, a bag of ice double bagged in the freezer that lived below the refrigerator, French fries with chili sauce, Row 11 pinot noir, tales of the israeli airforce and Arabian horses, boarding school and love songs, the morning and big concepts, a silver convertible Mercedes, not a jew burner, regrets, hopes, an offer to stay for 2 weeks.

Saturday in Paradise

kategotsis — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 06:29:07 +0000

Wake up at 6:07 am. Analyze dream…loaf of bread, serated knife….urinating on really nice berber carpet. Dream Dictionary. This will take a while. Distract self from dream by writing one really wretched paragraph about online dating. Drink 2 cups of Via mixed up with organic vanilla soymilk. Awake. Drive to Camelback mountain while chanting om, the sun is breaking through the clouds and I’m feeling hopeful. Expect a long wait at Echo Canyon, my om has turned to prayers, Thank you for these legs, this breath, this friend right behind me waiting for a parking space, this mountain, ommmmmmmm.. Eat half organic banana, call Kim to offer her other half, she declines. 9 minute wait and we are parked and catching up on the last 3 months. Spill our beans while scrambling and huffing, laughing and remembering why that day in the hospital nurse and patient shared giggles and email addresses and became friends. She will be 40 in May, she just ran a marathon in 3 hours and 54 minutes. Show her where Andre died. See Teresa and Brittany on the way down, hug them both and forget Kim’s name during introductions. forgiven by Kim. Top down. Elements for breakfast. Eggs, oatmeal, hot chocolate and cold coffee. Patio seating and girl talk. hugs. home. dog park. new friends. Yoga. Hanuman with the top down. South Phoenix. Old friends/family. Hugs from little girls. red wine. dancing. lots of dancing. Bob Schneider, Tom Petty, and The Go-Go’s. Rubbing the feet of a 66 year old goddess. Appointments made with Dr Xiao for 2 full treatments on Sunday at 3pm. Spinach salad and wild alaskan salmon from the Old Town farmers market. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. The laughing lasts for an eternity. I don’t remember the joke. Holding the hand of my 11 year old goddaughter while watching a rerun of American Idol. Drive Hani home. Drive Kate home. Life. Saturday. Magnificent. Thank You.

I Love You Phoenix, But I’m Still Leaving.

kategotsis — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:07:29 +0000

I’ve been a desert rat for 34 of my 38 years, and for the majority of this time I have been trying to escape this place. I have been held hostage by promises of Springtime and wildflower season and the intoxicating scent of orangeblossoms blooming . Weighted by the gravity of more than a few almost perfectly compatible men, and by childish assumptions that almost is enough. I’ve been kept here by school, then by a job that people in my field are envious of , a place full of great minds and abundant resources. We are the cream of the crop. I would have to be crazy to leave this, especially in this economy! I have been anchored here by the safety net of too many old friends, an honest VW mechanic who fixes my car on a drop in basis, and changes brake lights pro bono, a Buddhist Chinese Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine practicing at the indoor swapmart , 65 bucks for a “full treatment”, and he can always get me in on short notice, a yoga studio 0.7 miles from my house owned by one of those almost perfectly compatible men, who turned out to be a completely perfect friend. I have been lassoed to the trails of North Mountain, Squaw Peak, and Camelback. I met a man I thought I would marry on top of the Camel’s back, and watched a man die on the Camel’s shoulders. I have been exorcised of many demons, real and imagined while taking myself up your vertical backs. But I have worn out my welcome.

I am tired of defending you to my friends from uber cool towns . Friends from Seattle, Portland, NYC, Hollywood, San Fransisco, and Austin, have questioned my love for you, why do I stay? I have sat in a favorite Mexican restaraunt nestled between two friends, one from NYC, and the other from San Francisco, while they discuss “The Phoenix Problem.” “I just don’t think Phoenix has an IDENTITY,” says one, ” Yeah, like it’s trying to be something it’s not, trying to copy the other great cities.” They mention the art scene and it’s goings on, and talk about how far behind Phoenix is, doing what’s already been done in these other REAL CITIES. I just chew my chip, heavy under the weight of some of the most delicious guacamole in the valley, and I stew. I try to think of ways to describe how wonderful you are, I want to shout, “Shut up, you don’t even know her!,” and call them something really painful like “stupid dummy heads!” The truth is I complain about you too, how it’s at least a twenty minute drive to go anywhere worth going, how the brown cloud that plagues our sky “never used to be there!” How everyone here my age is now married up with kids, living the big yawn. Then there is Summer, which I liken to labor and childbirth. Hellish and painful, but then it’s over, and Fall and Spring ( the babies ) are so amazing, you almost forget the 6 months of hell. Almost. I could go on, but your mine and I love you, and I see no need to throw stones.

I’m not just threatening this time, I’m really leaving. My insides are rearranging themselves, preparing for my departure. I find myself crying at hot pink sunsets, and when I reach the top of a mountain , sweaty and smiling. The sound of the curve billed thrasher’s “whit wheat” sends me into a longing and missing mood , even though I’m still here. I plan to stay through May. I don’t want to leave on a sour note, I want our goodbye to be sweet, scented with wildflowers and orangeblossoms. I will leave before you start to really piss me off, before you turn up the heat. I am leaving you. I am leaving my hometown, and as I write these words my throat is being choked, and my eyes are filling up with salt. I love you Phoenix, I already miss you. xoxoox

Peace Disturbance

kategotsis — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 14:16:55 +0000

I haven’t slept well in two days. Why the problem? Interuptions to my precious sleep cycle seem to be coming at regular intervals. Why must you bark at four thirty am dog? Why must the pool pump begin making strange noises at midnight. It’s too hot!!!!! My ceiling fan isn’t working. Stop licking yourself Louie!!!!! And then there is my personal favorite, the leaf blower. Weren’t you fucks just here on Monday, now it’s Friday? Oh, the neighbors need their 20×20 patio blown clean for forty five minutes. It’s still going, I’ve been up now for 30 minutes. Coffee. Good. It’s still screaming, angry, it’s job to rid our lives of pesky sidewalk debris, rid our minds of quiet stillness. It is good at what it does. Now I’m awake and I’m grumpy and I want to blame someone…the dogs…and something..the blower, fan, and pool. There….I don’t feel better. I’m still awake and I still have to be to the gym for my boot camp session with John in 45 minutes….It’s peaceful now. My mind settling down, the hum of the air conditioner now soothing. The leaf blower..what leaf blower?

Transitions

kategotsis — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:23:45 +0000

714 am…the time has now transitions from 548 to 714…the coffee from the french press filled with french roast has transitioned from mouth to gut to blood stream and im a buzzin with a french high…….I fixed my bike….transitioned from too full tire and pissed off me to just go see…maybe the tire is now just right and ur ass is alredy upon the seat rollin down the road, just check….YAY!!! My bike has magically transitioned to rideable and I don’t care if it’s hot and I huff and puff cause I have not yet transitioned to old and stagnant..ew…. maybe I never will, perhaps I will stay just like this forever vivacious and bright…yes thats it, let it always and forever be just like this, just fast and charged with speed and energy to do IT, whatever IT is, I have the energy to do IT….I am transitioning from the seedling to the blossom. I am exploding my perspective onto the landscape in front of me in ordinary ways…with words in sentences in lines with others creating paragraphs and pages..my heart navigating, my head in the back seat, mostly napping, waking to direct only when needed…my head is sleepy, transitioning to second fiddle to the hot red, no cool green pumping muscle takin the wheel…laughter and pithy in the seat beside her….here we go on a cross country tour of the past and the present all woven into the now……..Fear was just ran over with all four wheels…bye bye

Morning Time

kategotsis — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:32:29 +0000

I slept with a pillow under my head, woke up with a tweaky neck. My neck likes to keep it low, no arches or angles while slumbering please. This morning I could see some pink cotton showing off in the sky outside my french doors, I meant to get up and snap some shots, but I didn’t. The morning is the first course to my day, The most exciting , what shall I have?? It’s the time when all my thoughts start wrestling with one another, vying for the spotlight. Pick ME, no ME….ahhhh…this morning, on this day….well, it’s a bit different than most. I’m still at home, I’m writing. I’ve allowed myself the distraction of some dishes, some laundry and coffee pressing. I’m here now writing and I’m planning my second, third, and fourth courses. They will be of a flavor not often had here in Kate Ville. Today I will work on WRITING and planning my workshop and allowing my life to have it’s way with me..the resistance was melted and rinsed off by New Mexican skies and New Mexican cries, and what remains is this urge, this pushing ever so gently into wide open spaces. Spaces full of shapes unmolded, just clay and lots of it….plenty of time and no deadline. So here I sit this morning in June, my head attached to my tweaky neck like a brunette balloon…My bike in the garage needing some care, I don’t know how but I plan to ride it to the gym for my second course…..just focus on what is in front..integration. The topic was morning, this is a freewrite. Containment in line to spend some time wielding and weaving …tying parts of me together in ways that tell the story so question marks become less and less necessary.